There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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