my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My life is pants optional.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
