From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
