it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
