i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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