Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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