Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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