I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
