No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Couch. On fire.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
