dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
