Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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