put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
