you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
