So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
