Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
