she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
