im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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