You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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