Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it glows. i had to have it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
