I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
