Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
