mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
