yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
