Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
