does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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