My friends, they love my intelligence
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
