I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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