i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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