My liver just broke up with me...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Terrible idea I love it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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