i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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