I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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