I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
