So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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