my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
