I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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