hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
