there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
