hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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