I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
