Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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