i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
