Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
