It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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