turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
