my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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