Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
