I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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