Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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