i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
