Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
